Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
He did a backflip because drugs
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