There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
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I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
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for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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