if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
