They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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