you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
