Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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