The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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