Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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