you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
