do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
