my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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