Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
