the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
