Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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