Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Walk of Shame today included voting.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
