another moral hangover. fuck.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
