You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
