just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Randomize
