it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
