I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
