Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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