Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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