I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
