just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
