Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
