Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
