I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
