Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
