I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
