im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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