Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
