I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
