Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
My apartment stinks of burning failure
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
