Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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