can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
