checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
