you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
