don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
My feet surprised me
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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