Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
