Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
