If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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