The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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