i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
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