ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
