I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
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