Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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