Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
