After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
