The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
i think im in europe. pls send help
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
