I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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