did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
