I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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