I can tuck mytits in my pants
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
