I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize
