My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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