yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Someone shit on the floor
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
