Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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