Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
