If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
