I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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