Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
