you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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