Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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