Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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