Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
