i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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